Happy, Healthy and Hot

40 Days of Fasting and Feasting for Postive Change

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent.  In the Catholic tradition, Lent is a time of sacrifice  for Jesus and preparing the believer for Holy Week through sacrifice, self-denial and repentance.  Throughout history the number 40 is thought of as the sacred time that it takes to make a positive change in one's life.

Over the years during Lent I have given up candy, swearing, drinking, watching General Hospital (which actually led to me stopping all together) not really having a full understanding of the purpose of this exercise.  Some years I just boycotted Lent all together.

Then through a conversation with my Spiritual Director, I was able to have a whole new context for Lent that one can incorporate regardless of one's spiritual practice.  This time of year is a great 40 day structure to make some positive changes.  It's an opportunity to fast (give up) on old patterns and feast (incorporate) new patterns.

I started speculating on what  I could fast and feast on to make some changes and came up with the following  things to integrate the mind/body and spirit.

Happy - Mind

Fasting on -  being paralyzed by fear and the fear based thoughts and conversations that have been swimming around in my head and coming out of my mouth.

Feasting on - taking actions in my life that will clear out the clutter, and move my life forward in the direction that I intend. Expanding my thinking - giving up what I already know and being willing to learn, to grow and experience life newly by blocking the flow of life through my fearful thoughts.

Healthy - Body

Fasting on Coffee -I love coffee, so it is a sacrifice for me to give it up, but I also see the benefit to it, as lately the acidity of the coffee has started irritating my stomach.

Feasting on - Healthy Eating - I will eat totally clean for the next 40 days (no sugar, processed foods, carbs) and I will begin cooking more frequently.  At least 4 days a week. Also feasting on exercise.  Keeping up my 6 days a week regimen with diligence.

Hot - Spirit

Fasting on - Being in such a hurry and "needing to know."

Feasting on - Practicing surrender and quieting myself and connecting with spirit and my own spiritual  center though daily meditation and prayer.

Forty days from today is Sunday, April 17th.  I will be blogging about what  changes are occurring for me incorporating these habits and  practices.

I also invite you to join me on this journey. Take on some practices for yourself, comment and let me know what you are taking on and join on on the conversation of what changes you are experiencing in your life through these practices.

What are you feasting and fasting on?

 

What Question Are You Asking?

In times of challenge and tragedy it is our nature to ask Why?  Why me?  Why did this happen?  We are seeking to make sense of  things that often  don't make sense to us or seeking an answer to a question that is often  unanswerable.

Asking Why?  leads us down a deep dark path to which there is no answer. We start questioning, blaming or seeking fault with ourselves and others, feeling guilty, thinking if only I had done this, or done that. We then begin to collapse what happened with everything we've concluded or decided by asking Why? and our sense of reality becomes distorted, which leaves us stuck in a perpetual cycle like a hamster in a wheel...and we get nowhere.

I'm not suggesting that we not question.  I'm rather  inviting you to ask a different question.  The place to being the inquiry or seek the answer is not in Why? but in What?  or Where?  What is the lesson I am meant to learn from this experience?  Where in this time of desolation and dispair is God (source, the universe etc.) at work?  Where is there an opporunity to invite God into my sorrow? What is planned for me? What spiritual growth can come from this?

These are all wonderful questions to bring to your  prayer or meditation practice.  Begin by centering yourself and being still.  Then think the question and release it to the universe,  trusting that the answer will come...at the perfect time when you are ready to hear it.

My own spiritual lesson in learning to shift the question came in 2001 after a bike accident.  I was training for my first triathlon and had just gotten cast in my first play (after auditioning for a year without producing the desired result).  I was on top of the world by how much I was risking myself and stretching beyond my comfort zone.  Competing in this race was a huge accomplishment for me.  I remember being elated as I was nearing the transition area to switch to the final leg of the race and thinking to myself "I'm actually going to finish this race." 

A moment later, I was hit from behind by another biker and I fell off my bike, shattering the ball of my right arm in three places inside the shoulder socket. The pain was excruciating and I went into shock. What followed was a trip to the ER, follow up appointments with doctors, surgery and a long recovery.  I had to give up the part I had gotten cast in, as my recovery time was going to take me beyond the run of the production.  I think I was more upset about that then the surgery.  Then nine days after my bike accident 9/11 happened. 

 For months, I asked Why?  over and over again. Why did this accident happen? Why did I have to break my arm? Why did this happen just as I had gotten cast in my first play?  Why did those men fly those planes into those buildings?  Why did so many people have to die?  Why did I feel so afraid? The more I asked Why?, the more I sunk into a deep depression.

In a conversation with a very wise women, she suggested that what was missing in my life was any sense of a spiritual compass. She was dead on.  I had always been a seeker, but had long become resigned to any sense of spiritual connection,  prayer or relationship  to a higher power at work as a positive force in my life. 

After that converstaion,  for the first time I asked What?  and Where? What was I meant to learn from this?  What was God trying to show me? Where was my life moving so quickly that I was missing out on the sweetness of it?  I inquired into these questions for awhile and it led me on a spiritual journey and onto a path that I have continued on since that moment.  I knew that I couldn't seek these answers alone so I started studying all I could and found my way to the spiritual teachings of St. Ignatius of Loyola, which led to me dwell in these questions with a Spiritual Director.

What came from that inquiry was the realization that my life was so focused on accomplishment and achievement. That me achieving success or awards or accolades was what made my life great.  The funny thing was in spite all I had accomplished, I was never satisfied.  I always viewed things from what I hadn't yet accomplished and it was exhausting.  What I learned from this revelation was that what truly made my life great were the people I had in it.  The richness and sweetness of my life came not from my accomplishments but from the beauty of my relationships.  My family and wide circle of friends from  various aspects of my life that I collected along the way. This  caused my heart to expand wide open and I became present to my profound love for people. 

I equate this experience as my own spiritual awakening. My Saul on the road to Damascus moment.  I literally had to be knocked on my ass to begin asking different questions, which led to me experiencing life from a whole new lens.

The What? or Where? questions has given me peace over the last week in the wake of my nephew Zach's death.  I've been inquiring into questions like What lesson was Zach brought here to teach our family? What is God's plan for us from this experience?  Where can I surrender this problem that I can not solve by myself to God for the solution? What messages do our Angel have for us? 

I don't have answers yet, but asking the questions and being willing to sit with them that have brought the peace.  The answers have not yet presented themselves, but I trust that they will when the time is right and I'm ready for them.

Asking the What? or Where? questions can also help us begin to name and identify our desires.  And it is through our desires that God speaks to us. Our deep desires, the ones that stir in our heart and have us long for something or the ones that we often keep a secret, are the voice of spirit moving in us and God's desires for us. 

In her book Wise Choices, Margaret Self describes desire in this way.  "Without desire, we would never get up in the morning. We would never have ventured beyond the front door, We would never have read a book or learned something new. No desire means no life, no growth, no change. Desire is energy, the energy of creativity, the energy of life itself."

Expressing these deep desires lead us to becoming our authentic selves.

I always look to my favorite quote on being with the question, when I find myself becoming impatient for the answer.

"Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer." - Rainer Maria Rilke

What questions are you asking?

Sometimes There Are No Words

It's not often that I'm at a loss for words.  Language and communication are my life. I'm a communications strategist by profession, an eloquent public speaker and an insightful coach.  The art of conversation inspires me, I am a firm believer that anything can be resolved through communication, and I've been told that I have quite the gift for the gab.  However over the course of the last few days, I've been at a loss for words.

Four weeks ago a joy was bestowed on my family with the birth of my nephew Zachary.  The birth of a new baby is life renewing, full  of hope, possibility, creation and a future wide open. My brother and sister in law were delighted, my parents beaming that their dream of becoming grandparents was realized.  And  all of a sudden I had a new name - Aunt. I relished in the thought of spoiling my nephew to bits, teaching him all sorts of things and getting in all sorts of mischief together.

Zach's arrival was not easy.  He was six weeks premature and we knew that he'd have to spend time in the hospital for weeks. And a few days after his birth the doctors discovered that there was an issue with one of the valves in his heart and that it was preventing oxygen from fully getting into the heart.  In spite all of that, we had much hope.  Even though there would be at least one surgery ahead of him, the prognosis was positive and he was gaining ounces each day.  All reports were positive, my brother and sister in law were relieved and planning for Zach to finally coming home so they could settle into normalcy, be a family,  and prepare for what would lie ahead in the months ahead with the surgery.

Then last week, life took an unexpected turn that none of us even considered.  Zach had to have emergency surgery to put a temporary shunt in his heart until the big surgery when he got a little older. He came through surgery fine but complications occurred after the surgery and he passed away. My family has simply been devastated, heartbroken and shell-shocked.

I have been at a loss for words. All of a sudden words have become cliche, useless, trite.  What could you possibly say to a mother who has lost her son, a father trying to be strong for his wife while grieving his own loss or to grandparents devastated that their own children are in so much pain and knowing that there is nothing they can do to take that pain away.

Sometimes there are no words. There is nothing to say or nothing to do.  In times like this there is simply being there, being the space to allow people to grieve in whatever way they need to and companioning them on their journey to heal their broken heart.

In times like this, silence is more powerful then any word that could be spoken.  Because sometimes, there simply are no words.

 

 

 

Surrender

Surrender has always had a negative meaning to me.  It meant giving up, failing, being weak, losing the fight. However as I invent my life here in LA and pursue my own spirital path, I keep hearing this word over and over again.  So much, that it has warranted me to inquire and  explore what I've been resisting and why surrender might be a good traveling companion for the journey I'm on.

I noticed the date yesterday and realized that I have been in LA for five months now. The time has flown by and yet my experience of time as I am inventing this stage of my life has been slow. Nothing is moving fast enough, I'm not doing enough, being enough, producing enough, and I've been looking through life from the lens of lack and fear.  I've also been tired, flighty, not grounded or present, distracted and exhausted.

I finally  acknowledged yesterday,  just how fearful I have been.  Fearful and then judging it, ignoring it and certainly not wanting to deal with it. And also not having some of the same habits in place anymore, so not sure even how to do about being with my fears or moving beyond them. 

In the past, when I was carrying all the weight I had, I had this armor and layer to protect me from the external (people, life, etc.) when I experienced fear.  I also had the habit of turning to not so healthy food choices to comfort myself (now, I eat a relatively clean diet  and have a different relationship to food, so I no longer find comfort in sugar, starchy carbs and salty snacks).  I also had the familiarity of my surroundings and was grounded in my surroundings  so I had some favorite places to go for solace, peace or whatever I might need.  And most importantly, I had my go to people for wisdom, friendship and the reminder of who I was in those moments when I somehow forgot.

I knew I was on a path and that for the next step along the way, I needed to be in LA.  I didn't entirely know why, but there was a knowingness from within that I trusted and I (here it comes) surrendered to it. And once I surrendered, the plan quickly fell into play and opportunities presented themselves.  Even finding my apartment and where it is located came about in such a surprising way when I gave up being attached to living in a certain neighborhood. I wanted Venice or Santa Monica and ended up in West Hollywood.  And in being in West Hollywood, I am within close proximity to some friends from Chicago, two of my master teachers who have become friends, and a social local coffee shop that has had me meet some great people who have connected me to others.

I also had a knowingness when I made this move that I needed to take myself out of the surroundings that had become so familiar and leave the life I had built for my next lesson on the path, the work there was for me to do and the life I was designing. And that whatever work there was for me to do, it was crucial to explore it and pursue it  in a new environment.  And I'm starting to see why.  In removing myself from what I had built around me and the people I surrounded myself with (the external things that I could hook on to). I am constantly forced to look within.  To examine and explore the depths of myself that need to be looked at for me to expand and grow.

Over the past few years, I have re-patterned myself in many ways.  My path started with a question...what would my life look like if it were bigger than me, if I were committed to something beyond myself? That internal question ignited a fire within that sparked the shedding of weight that was weighing me down.  With that weight gone, I was not only physically lighter but spiritually lighter as well.  I also altered thought patterns along the way as I lost weight that not only were also weighing me down, but had contributed to the weight in the first place.

I finally found my true essence underneath all of the physical and mental barriers once I removed them.  And now that see my true essence, the spiritual work for me has been to look at both the dark and the light sides of myself and accept all of it. Removing the distractions of a life I knew and entering into new surroundings that have been unfamiliar has been the catalyst for that exploration. 

In the absence of the familiar, all of my fears have started bubbling to the surface like lava about to erupt from a volcano.  With nowhere to hide so to speak, the manifestation of the darkness as emerged and as hard as I've been fighting it and resisting it and trying to control it or force it way, it won't go away.  The darkness being the thoughts of self-doubt, self-worth, the negative points of view, old ways of thinking that are holding me back, judgements, anger, moods, attitudes, emotions, states of mind, limiting beliefs, habits, patterns, ways of operating in my surroundings and with other people that are all no longer a match for who I am. The volcano is erupting and the darkness  must be faced for regeneration, growth and renewal, for in the aftermath of volcanic explosions come lush richness. It is in facing , accepting and making peace with our darkness that our light shines so much brighter.

 I had a vision this morning, as I was meditating, of being at the top of the volcano and looking down into its opening and seeing the red, not molten lava stirring, bubbling, and rising.  I took a deep breath and allowed myself to free fall, arms spread wide, into the opening and plunge into the lava. The experience that came over me as I envisioned that, was not fear but peace, calm a release of something.  It was surrender.

Consider that surrender as a spiritual act is powerful.  It is giving up and letting go.  It is  giving up that which is holding us back.  It's letting go of the fear and trying to control or fix things beyond our control, It is trusting that the Divine will catch us as we fall and provide something bigger and better then we could have invented on our own.  It is trusting that it WILL turn out, even though we don't see the outcome. It's a defining moment of saying, I can't and don't have to do this alone. It is looking beyond ourselves for the solution. It's throwing yourself  into the volcano because the cost of standing at the edge of the volcano and being paralyzed by the fear when you look into it's mouth is far greater then simply facing the fear and moving through it to the other side.

I end with this quote by Pierre Teilhard de Chardin (1881-1955) who was a Jesuit, Paleontologist, Biologist, Philosopher and Visionary.

A friend passed it along to me and the opening  lines have been resonating with in this inquiry into surrender.

Trust in the Slow Work of God

Above all, trust in the slow work of God.
We are quite naturally impatient in everything
to reach the end without delay.
We would like to skip the intermediate stages.
We are impatient of being on the way to something
unknown, something new.
And yet, it is the law of all progress
that it is made by passing through
some stages of instability -
and that it may take a very long time.

And so I think it is with you;
your ideas mature gradually - let them grow,
let them shape themselves, without undue haste.
Don't try to force them on,
as though you could be today what time,
(that is to say, grace and circumstances
acting on your own good will)
will make of you tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit
gradually forming in you will be.
Give our Lord the benefit of believing
that his hand is leading you,
and accept the anxiety of feeling yourself
in suspense and incomplete.

 

 

 

 

 

An Observation on Leading A Spiritual Life

A Spiritual life does not have to be a significant one. It is in those moments of joy and laughter that we raise our own vibrational energy and shine a light on those around us. Let your light shine today!

A Healthy New Year

Today marks a few milestones for me.  It's my birthday, it's my first birthday in LA and it was a year ago today that I reached my goal weight for weight loss. I have also maintained my goal weight for a year.

Hitting my weight loss milestone last January was an incredible accomplishment.  The journey itself was incredible, as it was a time of growth and self-discovery.  Along the way, I met my authentic self and learned what I was made of and capable of accomplishing.

To once and for all end any inner dialogue about my weight, my health and the way I looked was one of the most freeing things I've ever experienced.  And to start off the new year without having losing weight be on the list of things to accomplish for the year was a relief. 

Having that no longer be a consideration, opened up a space to ask myself new questions like - What does this person who I am now want for her life?  What is important to me now and what would make me happy? What could I contribute to others?

It was in asking these new questions, that my desire to move to LA rose to the surface.  I believe that our hearts desires are God's desires for us and I trusted that by taking the actions that would bring me here.  I felt called to something and that my being here is part of a divine plan that is still unfolding.

I also became wildly passionate about healthy living and the integration of the mind, body and spirit working together to promote and support that way of life. This is what there is for me to contribute to others - offering support, inspiration and coaching to those who desire to make this lifestyle change.  To enable others, especially women, to see that it is entirely possible to transform your body and your life, at any age. If I, can accomplish that at 40 something years of age, you can too.

As I start this new year in a new city building my new life and celebrating another year on earth, I am grateful for the life I have; and for the opportunities that are available to me because of the changes I made in my health and physicality. Like a domino effect, becoming healthy directly impacted my view of myself and my outlook on life, which directly impacted my happiness, which directly impacted my relationship with others.

This is my birthday wish for all of you, my Happy, Healthy, Hot readers, that you have a healthy new year and dedicate this year and beyond to obtaining and mandating whatever goals you have in the area of your health and weight. Your life depends on it. Your dreams, your experience of yourself and what you have to offer the people in your life, as a result, is too important.

If I can do it, I promise you, it's entirely possible for you to succeed as well.  All it takes is desire, will, and a structure for support and accountability.

Contact me at [email protected], if you are ready to have a healthy new year.  If you supply the desire and the will.  I will supply the structure for support and hold you accountable for the fulfilment of your ambitions for your health.

Namaste.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Inventing Your Year

I love new beginnings, so this marks one of my favorite times of the year.  The new year is a chance to start fresh. It's a blank slate to springboard into new ideas, and to re-new some forgotten ones.

A few years ago, I stopped making new years resolutions because I found them to be disempowering and something that was setting me up for failure, disappointment and disaster when by the end of January I had broken one or all of them. Especially those around losing weight, eating healthier or being a better person.

What I started instead, was to use this time to powerfully complete the previous year and as equally as powerfully, invent the new one.  I started a creation journal and I keep track of this each year.  It's been a great way to look back and read what I declared and then fulfilled upon in the previous year. And to see what was missing that had me not fulfill on others.  For example. in January of 2010, I stated that by September 30, 2010, I would be living in LA.  And here I am starting 2011 in the City of Angels, having moved here September 25th of 2010.  I was blown away when I saw that I had written that as early as January of last year. 

There is power in writing things down with paper and pen. It gets your ideas, dreams and intentions out of your head and into reality. It is in your own handwriting, so it becomes a contract that you are making with yourself.  And, it helps to build a foundation and set the stage for what you intend to create.  It's your blueprint.

Writing down that I would be living in LA and attaching a date to it, set everything in motion for me and created a context for ideas to make that happen, the actions I took and the conversations I had with people about that intention. Pathways then started opening up that led to my intention becoming reality.

I recommend before you start inventing 2011, that you sit quietly and reflect on 2010.  Grab a journal, sit in your favorite chair or quiet place, set the mood and begin writing.  You can even do this exercise with another person if you wish. What's most important here is to take the time and allow yourself to become present to the last year.  What you accomplished and what you didn't, so that you can acknowledge all of it, let it go and leave it in the past.  That way, you can truly start the new year open and fresh with a clean slate.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Is there anything about that past year that I'm disappointed about, resent or failed to accomplish?

Look to see if there is anything you set out to accomplish but didn't or actions you took that you wish you had or perhaps hadn't.  Do a complete inventory.  Then acknowledge them, own them, forgive yourself or others and complete these things.

When you feel as though you have captured everything, move on to question number two.

2. Is there anything I have accomplished or acheived over the past year?

This is the place to celebrate, goals that were met, achievements or successes you had and victories over the past.  No accomplishment is to big or two small, so capture all of it.  Even look to things for example like - when faced with a choice, did you chose another path or do something you wouldn't have previously done.? You want to acknowledge the progress you've made, the person you've become  and grown into over the last year, and be proud.

When you feel as though you have captured everything, move on to question number three. 

3. What am I leaving in the dust and not bringing with me into the new year?

As you look back on the last year, there may be things that don't want to drag with you. It's important to declare this so that you can move on and not allow yourself to be weighed down by these things.  This could include thoughts, behaviors, some of those disappointments that showed up on your list earlier or even relationships.  Look at things, experiences and people that have simply become too high cost to you. To create anything new, you must clear the space so that new things can come into your life.  Write down what or who you will let go of, so that you can fly higher.

Look one last time to see if there is anything else you want to acknowledge about 2010.  If there is more...write it down.  If there isn't, then declare 2010 complete and close the book on that chapter of your life.

You are now ready to write the next chapter and create 2011. Which leads to the final question.

4. What are you creating for the year?

Now that you have completed the previous year, you have the power to create the new year as a pure invention and free from needing to fix or change anything. You are the source of your life and you possess all that you need to fulfill on all that you desire.  So what are your intentions for the year? Who do you want to be this year? What dreams do you want to turn into reality?

My friend, The Chicago Snob, outlines this so beautifully in his blog, that I thought I'd share his latest post, entitled 2011: What are you Creating, to give you some further ideas.

One final thing...tell others what you are creating for the year. Your network is a powerful tool in helping you to achieve your intentions.  They are a source of accountability, your biggest fans, and an abundant resource for ideas and connections.

Have a Happy, Healthy and Hot 2011!  May this be your best year yet.

 

 

 

 

What Defines Home?

What defines home?  We've heard a lot about people losing their homes over the last year due to the mortgage crisis.  Songs have been written about it. There is even a restaurant in LA called Home.

Out of curiosity, I thought I'd look up the definition of home:  What I found was this:

home  (hm)n.

1. A place where one lives; a residence.

2. The physical structure within which one lives, such as a house or apartment.

3. A dwelling place together with the family or social unit that occupies it; a household. 

        a. An environment offering security and happiness.

        b. A valued place regarded as a refuge or place of origin.

4. The place, such as a country or town, where one was born or has lived for a long period.

5. The native habitat, as of a plant or animal.

6. The place where something is discovered, founded, developed, or promoted; a source.

7. A headquarters; a home base.

Making my first trip back to my hometown of Pittsburgh from my new home in LA for the holidays made me start to ponder this question. It was yet another mind boggle, retraining my brain to think  newly kind of experience for me. Stepping out of old patterns and into new ones.

For 16 years, that annual holiday trip was about an hour and 20 minute flight and one time zone change.  This year it was close to a seven hour flight with a plane change in Pheonix through three time zones totalling an almost 12 hour travel day for the flight to Pittsburgh ( when you factor in the time I left for the airport and the flight delay)

Pittsburgh, while the place I grew up hasn't been home for many years.  And even when I lived there, it was this place I couldn't wait to escape from.  I always felt restless to experience life outside the Three Rivers.  I knew that life beyond where I lived was different, big, exciting and I couldn't wait to experience all of it.  I felt out of place there, like I didn't quite belong and I moved at the first chance I had...first to Washington, DC, then Chicago and now LA. 

Years later, I can appreciate Pittsburgh for what it taught me.  There is a dependability, a loyalty and a strong set of values and work ethic that is embedded in the culture and my parents instilled in me a core set of values given by that culture.  There is a knowingness about life there and about the people who come from there. I was just discussing this over lunch today with a new friend, whom I connected with, when we both discovered we were from Pittsburgh. Being from Pittsburgh is an experience in and of itself, and only people who grew up there, really get that.

Chicago isn't home for me anymore.  In fact my life there seems so far away, like it was years ago, not just months ago that I left.  It has long faded in the rear view mirror and I strangely don't have any site or connection to it anymore.  It's the friends I miss and still reach out to that I am connected to.  That hasn't changed, even though it's strange to not experience every day life with them anymore.

LA isn't quite home yet.  In fact, most days, it still feels like I'm on vacation or in a dream that I'm waiting to wake up from.  I have moments of wonder. Moments of still not believing that I really accomplished that which I had been dreaming about and planning for all of these months. And moments of upset and terror  when I have a new experience and I don't know where to turn or what do to.  Like today, when I got into a fender bender and now have no idea where to take my car for repairs.  In Chicago, I had my regular guys at Tiger Auto Body who always took good care of me. This constant not knowing admittedly freaks me out at times and my sense of wonderment and adventure goes out the window when I feel vulnerable and uncertain.

Even flying back from Pittsburgh to LA yesterday seemed strange - familiar, yet not quite familiar yet. I have only ever flown to LA from Chicago, so adding something new to the mix was odd to say the least. I found myself scanning the departure list looking for Chicago first then it would dawn on me that it's LA now.

And now I'm back and I feel like I have to familiarize myself with my new city all over again.  I'm  back into the rhythm and groove of this new life and environment after plopping myself out of it for a week.

I was really sad to leave my family yesterday.  They are my constant. That home base, my source, no matter where I go, no matter what I do.  It is because of them, that I have the wings to fly and the courage to seek out un-chartered waters.

So I would say that I define home as family and love. That love is as infinite as it is constant. And it is comforting to know that it is always there, no matter what.

 

 

The Gift of Change

Today marks five weeks since I made the leap from Chicago to Los Angeles and it seems like a lifetime ago. 

I left Chicago, sad to leave the wonderful community of friends that I had made over the years, but excited for the adventure of what inventing life in LA would bring.  My best friend Sara drove me to the airport, we said a teary eyed goodbye and I departed with a total of three bags and a carry-on. 

One of the bags was over-sized and needed to be weighed, to see if it made the limit for an extra handling charge.  It weighed 67 pounds, the exact amount of weight that I shed over the last year.  That bag was heavy and it was quite awkward to maneuver, and it was hard to imagine that I at one time carried that much weight on my tiny body.  It felt good to be traveling lighter on all levels - letting go of the weight and traveling without all of my possessions (just some clothes and other necessity items that I'd need until my things arrived ten days later).  I felt free and very much aware that making the healthy changes I did was the catalyst for the major life changes that have occurred for me and had led me to boarding the plane and the journey I was about to embark on.

My friend Amy, a good friend going way back to freshman year at Westminster College, picked me up at LAX and it was a perfect bookend to my travel.  It was reconnecting with Amy over a year ago, on my trips to LA for my course, that the seeds started to get planted for my move here.  We celebrated the success of the journey with another friend, Porter (also one of my new neighbors) with coffee at the Coffee Bean in my new neighborhood.

I picked up my car at my new apartment and made my way to the home of a friend, where I'd be staying until my furniture arrived. I was in awe the whole drive over there. I just couldn't believe that I had fulfilled on this dream that had been stirring inside me for quite awhile.  So much of my thoughts, my focus, my conversations over the last eight months had been about the desire to move to LA, and here I was, in my familiar car (which gave me great comfort to have that touchstone of something known) in this beautiful, unfamiliar place.

The first few days, still felt like I was on vacation and there were many check in calls and texts from my Chicago friends, so it didn't quite sink in for awhile that this was it, I wasn't going back.  And then it did...and the tears came, and the agitation came and my mood shifted from being happy and adventurous to being terrified, scared and feeling incredibly vulnerable.  There were a few meltdowns and many moments of frustration and anger as I tried to figure my way around this new city.  For example, going to the DMV to get my driver's license and new plates only to find that I didn't have all the necessary items to do the transfer having to drive all the way home again without accomplishing what I needed to (after having to schedule an appointment to get there).  I had to make another appointment and the next available one I could get was for early November.

I soon realized that almost everything I knew to do or where to go  in a particular situation didn't work anymore.  My brain was boggled by patterns being disrupted and my biology didn't like it at all. Even something simple like buying stamps.  I would always go to the CVS drug store a few blocks away from my Chicago apartment when I needed stamps.  So when I needed to get some, I walked to the Rite Aid, which is 3 buildings away from my apartment, only to find out that they don't sell stamps in the drug stores in LA.  That was such a disruption, because I had no idea what to do next, or where to go to have such a simple basic need met.  I was in this utter state of unknown and uncertainty and it started freaking me out.

I kept saying to myself, OK, well at least I have one constant, work.  Everything is the same there so use that as your anchor for now.  Then, life again showed me how humorous it can be and three weeks ago, my company went through a major reogranization and my boss and I (along with many other people) were shifted onto a new team, and many other people where shifted into new roles, so there's a period now of settling into this new business model.  And then just this week, our company announced that our current CEO was stepping down and that we would have a new leader come December 1, which, I'm sure means that more changes are to come.  So more change, more uncertainty, more relearning things and more of the unknown.

Even having my belongings arrive into my new home didn't help.  I thought for sure having my physical belongings in my new home would make it feel like home. And it didn't.  Many of my furniture pieces were damaged in some way during the move and that just made me more upset and agitated and overwhelmed. 

This feeling of utter loneliness set in and a sense of having lost my power. Then I began to fear that I wouldn't be able to regain it back.  I was allowing myself to be at the effect of all of the external happenings around me and it seemed like I had no control over any of it. However, it didn't occur to me that I did have the power in me all along.  Things just were the way they were. It was the way that I was relating to everything and how my world was occurring to me that was giving me this sense of powerlessness.  And I wasn't being responsible for my thoughts, my internal dialogue giving me my experiences, so that's why this sense of gloom and fear and having no power set in. Once I realized that (thanks to conversations with my friend John and my Wisdom course coach Gabriel), my anxiety level decreased and my sense of power started to return.  

I started to celebrate little victories, like how well I was starting to navigate around still being so unfamiliar with how the LA grid system and freeways work. And getting used to driving more.  I probably drove my car about two days a week in Chicago.  Now, I'm in my car almost every day here.  I also started taking on healthy new patterns like joining a gym and working with a trainer.  The Crunch gym is three blocks away and I've made it a habit to exercise five to six days a week and it's becoming a positive staple of my day.

My Mom arrived two weeks ago to help me set up my apartment, get organized and settled in.  And to provide that sense of comfort and love that only a Mom can provide.  It's amazing that no matter how old you are, there are times that you still need your Mom and I was so grateful that she made the trip. She whipped my home into shape in no time, figuring out the best placement for the furniture, organization of my drawers, knowing exactly what I needed.

We also did some fun things while she was here, taking a city tour, driving to Santa Monica and Venice and Marina Del Ray and then spending one afternoon up in Malibu. While having lunch by the Ocean in Malibu, we saw four dolphins leaping in the air not to far away from us.  It was exciting to see, as I've only seen dolphins behind glass at the zoo, not in their natural habitat.  It also made me curious to what dolphins symbolize, as when I see animals not part of normal daily life, I always feel there's a message there.

So what I discovered about dolphins, is that they are connected to the power of  breath and with emotional release.  As part of spiritual growth, it's important to allow ourselves to go through the spaces of the emotions we are having and to allow ourselves to experience them. Dolphins show us how to swim the waters of life and to call forth what we most want or desire.  They also spend their days playing, so they live in a joyful harmony with each other and the world around them. The wisdom they have to give us is includes -  change, harmony, wisdom, love, balance, communication skills, freedom, trust and  understanding the power of rhythm in your life. Dolphins remind us to get out, play and most importantly, to breathe.  An important message for me to get.

If I've learned anything over the last five weeks it has been the power of change and the gift that it provides us in our life.  During these last few weeks, I never for  a moment regretted the choice I made to move here, second guessed myself, or wanted to go back to Chicago.  I am clear that this is where I'm meant to be and that this is part of the journey, that has been some lesson to learn...I just wasn't sure what that lesson was.

I was ready for some major changes in my life, ready to expand and grow and come to know myself in new ways, to explore what I desire at this stage in life and to contribute to others out of my own experiences. I actively chose to put myself on a different path, to shake things up, to boggle my brain and break old habits and invent new ones.  Clearly that's all working.

I now also see what a gift this change has been.  My Mom has never flown this distance by herself before and she had a lot of fear about making the trip.  But she did it because I asked, and she knew that I need her.  By being a yes to the new experience, in spite of her fears, she was able to know herself in a new way and able to do things that she didn't think she could do.  In making these changes in my life, I've not only given myself a gift, I gave my Mom an incredible gift as well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

How Do You Say Goodbye?

I've spent close to a year preparing for and inventing a new future that, in four days, will be fulfilled - living  in LA.  As a one chapter in my life is ending and a new one is beginning,  there is a question I have been asking myself over the last few weeks.   "How do you say goodbye to a life you created? To people you love?  To those who have added much to that life?

Last year at this time, LA was this cool place that I got to travel to, every 8 weeks for a course I was taking.  An adventure, a new environment to plop myself into and experience something new and different.  I knew I was ready for change in my life, I just wasn't sure what that change would be or evolve into.  What I did know was that I was on a journey that would lead me to a place I had never been before.  I also knew that when I chose to follow that path, there would be no turning back. and life would never be the same. Not unlike Dorothy when she put on the ruby slippers and stepped onto the yellow brick road.

I'm in a place in life where I can authentically say I'm happy.  Happy with who I am, what I look like, the people in my life, what I've accomplished and haven't yet accomplished.  I've accepted and embraced all of it.  It has been in this place that even considering something radically different became possible and my entire life was up for examination and inquiry.  

One of the considerations I needed to move through in my discernment process was leaving everything I knew for everything that was unknown.  Leaving my friends, an environment in which I had built a network and community of people who cared for me and provided so much and the familiarity of my apartment, my neighborhood and the places I frequented. 

At that point, the idea of leaving my friends and the relationships I've so carefully developed and nurtured over the years was still conceptual.  I knew that choosing to move would bring about change not only in my life, but very likely in those relationships as well.  What I didn't know was how I would feel about it.

I've spent the last six weeks preparing the logistical tasks of the move and when I get into that mode, it's easy for me to go on auto pilot and stop experiencing any emotional state.  During these periods, my thinking becomes more strategic rather then inventive, as I'm methodically potting out every detail, every step in the process. I also start to live more in my head then in my heart.  I may have flipped into this state of mind to not feel what was to come.

The long goodbyes started with final trips to my doctor and dentist and with those visits, the realization that I wouldn't be making any follow up appointments started to set in.  Those visits were also gifts, as I got to realize how far I had come with my health.  I had my final appointment with my endocrinologist last week and she told me how proud of me she was for what I had accomplished. When I met her almost two years ago, I was very sick.  I was tired, lethargic, unhealthy, overweight and feeling hopeless that I would ever feel any different.  I had this concern that the diagnosis of an under-active thyroid meant that I was doomed to never have any energy again.  And here I am today a vibrant, thin, fit, healthy, energetic person full of life and excitement for a new adventure.

Saturday I made my last trip to the dry cleaners  to pick up some clothes and again the realization that there would be no more pink tickets from that cleaners made me sad.  I've been a customer for over 10 years since I've moved to the neighborhood and I've watched this lovely couple become proud grandparents and they've watched me morph into this whole new being. It was becoming a little too real now...my impending departure.

So real that by Saturday night at my going away party I was in a bit of denial.  The evening seemed like any other fun party at Megan and Jamie's with a house full of cool people having a great evening together.  The only difference was the their house was full of all of my friends from various walks of life  - former and current coworkers, past and present spiritual directors, friends from my artistic community, my faith community and my community at Landmark Education.  And the next generation...some friends brought their children. 

There was so much life in that room. So much of my life in that room. So many people who over the years have touched my life and contributed to who I've become.  Friends I've laughed with, cried with, broke bread with, prayed with, bore witness to their weddings, the birth of their children and the death of parents and other family members. 

I looked around that room and saw the beautiful tapestry that I had created and, for the first time, fully acknowledged the impact that I had made on each and every person in that room. And that's when I flipped from being in my head to being in my heart.  A heart so full of love for the people in this life I've built.  That opened the floodgates and the tears started flowing.  And they haven't stopped for the last three days.

I've included in my logistical planning having all my packing complete so that this last week in Chicago can be spent with people I love. Last night I had dinner with a group of friends who have moved away from Chicago and, in the last month, have moved back. We've known each other for so long and even though we've gone periods of time without seeing or talking to each other, when we do reconnect, we never miss a beat and pick up right were we left off. It felt weird to be the one moving on this time. But there was a knowing and understanding from the gang of what it's like to be the one leaving and saying goodbye.

And then today, when I was at my hairdresser's  having my hair cut and colored, I was grateful for waterproof mascara. I sat in the chair crying as Manolis cut my hair and then again when Anita was blow drying my hair.  I seem to have lost the ability to shield or hide my emotions.  They are right there on display.

So how do you say goodbye?  I guess this is it, for me anyway. I say goodbye by  laughing with friends, crying as I get my hair cut, and knowing that I will miss the many people I've come to know and love during the time I've lived in Chicago. The process of physically separating has been sad and my heart is aching.  However, my heart is also full of love.

What I realized today is that love will sustain itself over time and distance.  It won't go away simply because I live in LA and my friends are in Chicago. It's that love that gave me the courage to make this life changing leap in the first place. It's that love that I will take with me and it's the part of me that I leave behind.

"We love: that's why life is full of so many wonderful gifts." - Rumi

"In our imaginations we believe that love is apart from us. Actually there is nothing but love, once we are ready to accept it. When you truly find love,... you find yourself." - Deepak Chopra