Knowing Makes No Difference

I didn't realize the degree that I am organized around "knowing" and "certainty" until my trip to LA a few weeks ago to search for an apartment. 

So much about my life has become routine, certain, familiar.  I have certain habits and patterns. I have my morning routine. I am familiar with my surroundings and can navigate anywhere around the city of Chicago.  After many years of taking cabs, I am quite bossy with cab drivers in giving them specific directions on the best and fastest way to get me where I'm going.  And years of taking cabs have aided me in my confidence when I do drive around the city, now that I have a car.  I know the best dry cleaners, the best places for quiet reflection, the best places to eat and shop, and have created the best circle of friends.

This confident, knowing, certain woman left Chicago, and hopped a plane for LA for ten days; excited for the adventure of finding my new home and forging new connections with people.  I departed the plane in LA and reality set in.  I had to pick up my rental car, having never driven in LA before.  I was in unfamiliar waters...not certain, not knowing.  And my biological make up didn't like it at all.  Not to mention, I got this strange car that seemed huge and awkward and unfamiliar.  I know how everything works on my 22 year old Buick from where the gear shift is to how to adjust the mirrors.  I got into the rental car and nothing was the same and it completely threw me off to the point where one would think that I had never driven a car at all.

Then came navigating to the place I was staying during my time there...and that hit me...I have no idea where I'm going...I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE I'M GOING.  My sense of adventure  and direction went right out the window and sheer panic set in.  In Chicago, I know that the lake is East, so it's become easy to sort my sense of direction from there.  And although, I get that in LA, the Ocean is West, I haven't yet been able to sort it all out and determine which direction West even is.  The confident knowing, certain woman disappeared and I felt lost, alone, very vulnerable and I didn't like those feelings.  I was scared and overwhelmed by all of my senses, my body sensations and the thoughts racing through my mind.

I followed my printed Mapquest directions and the instructions from the car rental agent and still ended up going the wrong way.  Panicked, I called the person I was staying with to get me back on track (several times, mind you, during the 25 minute drive from the airport) as I was unsure of everything.  I was so unsure of where I was going, I  had my first LA fender bender.  Ugh, this trip was not off to a good start and I wasn't even in LA an hour.

Then came the unknown, uncertain experience of finding a place to live, the purpose of my trip.  I knew that I wanted to live in Santa Monica near the Ocean and had been dreaming of living close to the beach, biking and walking everywhere, being near to cool coffee shops to work from.  Santa Monica seemed like the perfect community for that.  However, I wasn't seeing anything that I liked in my price range from my on-line search. 

A trip to Venice opened my my mind a bit and I liked the vibe, the community feel and the eclectic nature of the area.  So many different personality types, people, interests and yet everyone living together in this community and accepting each other.  A very cool place to hang my hat I thought.  I wandered around and explored that area and  thought, this is it...this is where I want to live. But I had no idea what was a "safe" area and what wasn't, as many people told me there are pockets of Venice to avoid. But which ones? 

I did explore other neighborhoods as well.  Saturday was spent driving around all over the West side of LA and getting a feel for Brentwood, Beverly Hills, Bel Air, West Hollywood, Laurel Canyon, the Hollywood Hills, Silver Lake, Los Feliz and Koreatown.  Sunday was spent checking out the South Bay Area (El Segundo, Manhattan Beach, Redondo Beach, Hermosa Beach and Palos Verdes).  I ruled out the South Bay immediately...while  all were beautiful beach communities, they seemed so far away from the heart and pulse of LA and not a good first place for me to land.  I did narrow the field a lot, but still felt overwhelmed by the choices and feeling like I needed to have the perfect apartment and make the "right" choice (whatever that meant).

I started the next  week off realizing that I couldn't do it alone, so I found a realtor, thanks to putting a post on Facebook to my community.  He sent me a few listings in Venice and West Hollywood and I chose the few in Venice that were in my price range.  None of those places were a match. Too small, not enough light and not that perfect apartment I was seeking.  I started wandering around Venice and Santa Monica on my own and  felt like I was wasting so much time. I would walk around see a place with a for rent sign, call the number on the listing and then finding out the place was rented, or too small, or I'd have to make an appointment to see it at another time.  Not knowing my surroundings continued to raise my anxiety and stress level and increase the overwhelm.

I needed to empty my head of all the swirl of thoughts going on in there and speak them out loud to someone. I called my friend Mo so I could free up my mind to focus and create what I was out to accomplish and not continue to focus on my fears.  We didn't have a lot of time to talk but what he said, so brilliantly as I babbled on, was "Why do you have to find the perfect place?"  That one sentence changed everything for me. I was focusing so much energy on finding the perfect apartment; and was so convinced (knowing and certain) that the perfect apartment was in Venice, that I was blocking anything else from being possible and from coming into my space.

That gave me some freedom to start exploring other things and to look at what might be best for me now.  I started thinking about short term leases, sublets, hotel type short term living, putting my things in storage, looking at other neighborhoods.  All sorts of options became open to me and I again looked to my community as a resource to navigate through that.

I also realized that it was up to me to simply choose.  What did I want? What was important to me at this time? What did I need? What would make me happy?  In asking those questions, rather then knowing the answer, my mind expanded, I became more open, present, powerful and confident again.  And I saw this one listing in West Hollywood that John, my realtor had sent me and I had passed on earlier because It  wasn't in Venice.

And then I knew...that was my new home.  And once I chose, it quickly fell into place.  And I discovered that the apartment had a lot of amenities I was searching for and was the price I wanted to pay (and even included a parking spot and a pool). It was also in a great neighborhood in West Hollywood surrounded by coffee shops, restaurants, grocery stores...all within walking distance.  And the bonus, as I mentioned in my last post, near 3 different people I know from Chicago...so I have the community I was seeking.  And I've traded the ocean as the view on my walks for the Hollywood Hills and Runyon Canyon...which should help me achieve my goal of having a hard ass, immensely.

Another thing that I discovered in being in unknown, uncertain, familiar waters was my openness with people and willingness to approach people to ask for help, for recommendations about the neighborhoods, to use them as a resource for things, and to just connect.  People were so friendly and approachable and willing to answer my questions, lend a hand or just have an interesting conversation. I even had one guy ask me out.

In my own familiar surroundings, I've built a bubble around me and I have my circle of friends, people I associate with, places that I go and  I don't often venture out of that.  I don't always make an attempt to connect with those outside of my bubble and have gotten into some patterns that keep my environment as it is. No growth becomes possible when you design your life that way, don't recognize you've done that and then go to work to actively break up those habits and patterns and invent new ones.

The final thing I discovered on my trip was that when you are striving to figure out life  and bring certainty to it or sort your world so that you have comfort and peace of mind; you miss out on life happening around you because you are not present to it.  I had that epiphany as I was sitting in traffic one day.  I literally had to come to a halt to get it. I looked around and there was this glorious scenery surrounding me...palm trees, mountains, and blue sky.  And I thought to myself, "Oh my God, I get to live here surrounded by all of this beauty. How lucky am I."   How lucky am I indeed!

I left LA a very different person then the one who landed ten days earlier.  Well, perhaps the same person, just a little wiser and more willing to dance in the unknown of life.

Comments

[Greg]

Isn’t it interesting how at first we need to consciously think about how to do something, then eventually our sub-conscious takes over and it seems that we no longer need to ‘think’ about what we’re doing? I’m sure that there was a time when you had to ‘think’ about where the controls on your Buick were – until you learned them and it didn’t feel like you needed to think about it anymore...you just did it. Similarly you probably ‘learned’ how to live in Chicago...now you get to ‘learn’ to live in LA. Enjoy!

[Mobolaji Akintunde]

Thanks for acknowledgment Nina. I am happy (healthy and hot too) to have provided you the space and opportunity to find your new habitat. Be great in LA and I will miss you.

[Nina O'Neil]

I will miss you too Moby! You must come out and visit.