I've spent close to a year preparing for and inventing a new future that, in four days, will be fulfilled - living in LA. As a one chapter in my life is ending and a new one is beginning, there is a question I have been asking myself over the last few weeks. "How do you say goodbye to a life you created? To people you love? To those who have added much to that life?
Last year at this time, LA was this cool place that I got to travel to, every 8 weeks for a course I was taking. An adventure, a new environment to plop myself into and experience something new and different. I knew I was ready for change in my life, I just wasn't sure what that change would be or evolve into. What I did know was that I was on a journey that would lead me to a place I had never been before. I also knew that when I chose to follow that path, there would be no turning back. and life would never be the same. Not unlike Dorothy when she put on the ruby slippers and stepped onto the yellow brick road.
I'm in a place in life where I can authentically say I'm happy. Happy with who I am, what I look like, the people in my life, what I've accomplished and haven't yet accomplished. I've accepted and embraced all of it. It has been in this place that even considering something radically different became possible and my entire life was up for examination and inquiry.
One of the considerations I needed to move through in my discernment process was leaving everything I knew for everything that was unknown. Leaving my friends, an environment in which I had built a network and community of people who cared for me and provided so much and the familiarity of my apartment, my neighborhood and the places I frequented.
At that point, the idea of leaving my friends and the relationships I've so carefully developed and nurtured over the years was still conceptual. I knew that choosing to move would bring about change not only in my life, but very likely in those relationships as well. What I didn't know was how I would feel about it.
I've spent the last six weeks preparing the logistical tasks of the move and when I get into that mode, it's easy for me to go on auto pilot and stop experiencing any emotional state. During these periods, my thinking becomes more strategic rather then inventive, as I'm methodically potting out every detail, every step in the process. I also start to live more in my head then in my heart. I may have flipped into this state of mind to not feel what was to come.
The long goodbyes started with final trips to my doctor and dentist and with those visits, the realization that I wouldn't be making any follow up appointments started to set in. Those visits were also gifts, as I got to realize how far I had come with my health. I had my final appointment with my endocrinologist last week and she told me how proud of me she was for what I had accomplished. When I met her almost two years ago, I was very sick. I was tired, lethargic, unhealthy, overweight and feeling hopeless that I would ever feel any different. I had this concern that the diagnosis of an under-active thyroid meant that I was doomed to never have any energy again. And here I am today a vibrant, thin, fit, healthy, energetic person full of life and excitement for a new adventure.
Saturday I made my last trip to the dry cleaners to pick up some clothes and again the realization that there would be no more pink tickets from that cleaners made me sad. I've been a customer for over 10 years since I've moved to the neighborhood and I've watched this lovely couple become proud grandparents and they've watched me morph into this whole new being. It was becoming a little too real now...my impending departure.
So real that by Saturday night at my going away party I was in a bit of denial. The evening seemed like any other fun party at Megan and Jamie's with a house full of cool people having a great evening together. The only difference was the their house was full of all of my friends from various walks of life - former and current coworkers, past and present spiritual directors, friends from my artistic community, my faith community and my community at Landmark Education. And the next generation...some friends brought their children.
There was so much life in that room. So much of my life in that room. So many people who over the years have touched my life and contributed to who I've become. Friends I've laughed with, cried with, broke bread with, prayed with, bore witness to their weddings, the birth of their children and the death of parents and other family members.
I looked around that room and saw the beautiful tapestry that I had created and, for the first time, fully acknowledged the impact that I had made on each and every person in that room. And that's when I flipped from being in my head to being in my heart. A heart so full of love for the people in this life I've built. That opened the floodgates and the tears started flowing. And they haven't stopped for the last three days.
I've included in my logistical planning having all my packing complete so that this last week in Chicago can be spent with people I love. Last night I had dinner with a group of friends who have moved away from Chicago and, in the last month, have moved back. We've known each other for so long and even though we've gone periods of time without seeing or talking to each other, when we do reconnect, we never miss a beat and pick up right were we left off. It felt weird to be the one moving on this time. But there was a knowing and understanding from the gang of what it's like to be the one leaving and saying goodbye.
And then today, when I was at my hairdresser's having my hair cut and colored, I was grateful for waterproof mascara. I sat in the chair crying as Manolis cut my hair and then again when Anita was blow drying my hair. I seem to have lost the ability to shield or hide my emotions. They are right there on display.
So how do you say goodbye? I guess this is it, for me anyway. I say goodbye by laughing with friends, crying as I get my hair cut, and knowing that I will miss the many people I've come to know and love during the time I've lived in Chicago. The process of physically separating has been sad and my heart is aching. However, my heart is also full of love.
What I realized today is that love will sustain itself over time and distance. It won't go away simply because I live in LA and my friends are in Chicago. It's that love that gave me the courage to make this life changing leap in the first place. It's that love that I will take with me and it's the part of me that I leave behind.
"We love: that's why life is full of so many wonderful gifts." - Rumi
"In our imaginations we believe that love is apart from us. Actually
there is nothing but love, once we are ready to accept it. When you
truly find love,... you find yourself." - Deepak Chopra
So glad we crossed paths my friend. Be well on your journey...
Posted by: Ms. Genevieve | 09/23/2010 at 10:11 AM